I was yakking with my friend Jon yesterday afternoon. During our conversation I used a phrase that’s been on my mind lately. Then I remarked: “That sounds like the title to a blogpost! I better write it down before it slips my mind.“ Well, we continued talking and I didn’t, then last night couldn’t recall what I had said.
Funny, in our conversation, we’d mentioned that both our memories aren’t what they used to be. I like to blame mine on age. lol
Anyway, this morning, it came back to me!!! Yay!! …but I digress. Q – can U get sidetracked before U’re even on track? So, anyway… Moving on….
At Celebrate Recovery, we learned that we are only responsible for cleaning up OUR side of the street. If I hurt someone and need to make amends, I am only responsible for my apology, not for their reaction to that apology. (unless I make it worse by the words or attitude I use) I can choose to make “Living Amends,” which means I learn from their hurt and choose to treat them differently because of it.
Likewise, If I am hurt by someone, I am only responsible for my reaction. I can choose to forgive their action without any evidence of change on their part. Part of my responsibility may include establishing boundaries to protect myself in the relationship. Learning to set boundaries means I need to understand what is on my side of the street (fence) and what is not.
In so many ways, this has made my life easier. I am powerless to control other people. At the beginning of this understanding, it felt incredibly selfish. “I am only responsible for ME?”?!?!? That was so contrary to how I had always lived.
“Hi, my name is Jim. I’m a grateful believer in Jesus, but I struggle with co-dependency and compulsive people-pleasing.”
The C.R. small-group 3rd guideline states: “We are here to support one another, not FIX another!” I’m learning the difference between support and fixing. Between influence and control. Between talking and listening. (OK, I’m still working on that one) I’m learning that I have Influence over other people, but I can lose that influence in direct proportion to the amount of Control I exert.
This understanding is revolutionizing my relationships. With other people. With myself. Even with God! When I first heard the 3rd small-group guideline, my reaction was: “Really? REALLY?!? D’ya mean it’s not my God-Given Responsibilty to FIX Problems I see in the lives of Others?”
Gradually, I’m coming to realize how much I was playing God in the lives of Others. I’ve seen how much I was focused on what I perceived to be the failures of Others instead of their Value. This new understanding is leading me to be more accepting of where and who they are instead of what and who I suppose they should be, do, say and think. As I release CONTROL, I’m recognizing that I’m having a greater INFLUENCE.
In the words of that great Mayberry philosopher Gomer Pyle, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!!
Wow! This is NOT where I thought this was going to go when I started this post. Where’d all THAT come from?!? What I had in mind is perhaps a major result of this process. Perhaps I needed to say all that in order to better understand this:
THIS thought is what has been percolating in this cyclonic mind of mine the past few days –
FROM GOD’s SIDE OF THE FENCE, EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE!
ALL THE CHANGES NEEDED IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM ARE ON MY SIDE OF THE FENCE!
Now comes the Surprise,Surprise,Surprise;
Just as the veil in the temple was ripped in half from top to bottom when Jesus said from the Cross, “It is Finished,” John 13:30
THE FENCE HAS BEEN TORN DOWN!!
Jesus IS NOT peeking over the fence like a nosy neighbor prying into Ur business.
He’s pitched a tent in Ur back yard. He’s sitting in Ur living room. He’s sleeping in Ur spare bedroom. He’s sitting in a chair at Ur dinner table.
But He’s the most gentle and respectful house guest U’ve ever had. He only goes where he’s invited.
It’s up to YOU! He longs to be more than a guest. He wants to be FAMILY!!
P.S… U don’t have to clean house, U don’t have to make the bed, wash the windows, scrub the floor, do the dishes, paint the walls, clear out the sheds, trim the hedge before U let Him in.
For most of my life, I did not understand that He could/would live in a broken heart. Then one dark(est) day, Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! He began to heal me from the inside out.
He continues to surprise me.
Me too, Bro!
Hi Jim Great reminder of all this process. I still get caught up in wanting to fix others instead of letting God do the work on them. Then focussing on me and letting God help me. Blessings Rich
Jim, I can truly identify with your thoughts today. Last night, I resisted the urge to “force” a neighbor understand something about computers and Wi-Fi. He couldn’t understand why I was unable to get on the internet when my Wi-Fi went down. I tried to explain. He wasn’t listening. I quickly came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter. I can’t control how people think. If he thinks he knows it all, let him think that. If he had tried to understand, then I would have continued to explain a bit more. But, he kept shooting down everything I was saying, so I just stopped trying. Mind you, I use to be a technical writer for a major computer company, so I know a little bit about computers and Wi-Fi.
The bible says not to argue with fools. In C.R. we learn not label people. But pleeeeeeze… let me label this neighbor for how he was acting.
In the past, I would have drawn out a diagram with tips, guides, and instructions. In the past, I had a “need” to show people I wasn’t dumb. But, today I really don’t care what people think. Maybe I’m getting older and wiser. In any case, I resolve to let people believe what they want to believe. I can’t control how other people act or think. I can only control how I act or think. And, man-oh-man, it is so liberating to only be responsible for my own weight and not the weight of others.