Category Archives: BROKEN

T.B.T.#14

ThrowBackThursday #14

Recovery Step 3 – “We surrendered our Lives and our Wills to the care of God…

Monday night I listened as a guy explained the difference between the two. He said we first surrender our Life to God – we do that once. But then, on a daily basis, we need to surrender our Will. Makes sense to me!!! So how come it gives me so much trouble?!?

Yeah, don’t laugh, I bet it does for U, too! If Not, give me a call, let’s talk!! I need to know what U know!

P.S… I must say, since I started this journey, I’ve learned that I (and other people) worry more about my times of failure than God does! So many times, I’ve seen Him turn my failures into important changes that brought great blessing into my life – and to others.

IT’s CALLED GRACE!

I posted this about a year ago:
Check it out…

https://itreallyisjustthatsimple.com/2015/08/22/sharing/

THE BATTLE GROUND


“There is a war between guilt and GRACE!” 

The other day, as I walked into our bedroom, I noticed these words written on the notepad next to the dual recliner where my WW sits. They come from the song by Matthew West, “GRACE WINS

Lately, I’ve been pondering the effects of GRACE in my life. I’m beginning to realize that I have greatly undervalued what GRACE DID, what GRACE does, what God wants GRACE to do in, for and through me.

Matthew West continues his song with these words; “GRACE WINS!! Every Time!! For the woman at the well, GRACE WINS!! For the beggar on the street, GRACE WINS!! For the prodigal son, GRACE WINS!!

This morning’s “Daily Verse” from “YouVersion” was Psalms 139:23,24

‭‭“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” ‭NLT‬‬

This morning, I’m saddened to think how many times I’ve prayed that from a place of guilt and shame, standing (or kneeling, as the case may be) before God but seeing him as my Judge. It makes me want to run away. Sometimes I do.

This is not the prayer of a guilty man waiting to hear sentence passed for his guilt and shame. It’s the Q posed by the prodigal son to his Faithful Father at the breakfast table the morning after the party as they enjoy steaks leftover from the fattened calf and eggs  the servants gathered that morning from the free-range hens in the yard. (Luke 15:11-32)

It’s the Q from the heart of a recovering, wandering son who has once again been embraced by “Abba-Daddy”

Let me see if I can put this in my own words as I picture myself sitting at that table:

Dad, I came back yesterday because I knew you are a man of compassion. All my life I’ve seen how you treat your servants. You’ve always treated the men and women who work for you better than most of my friends were treated by their fathers. 

Last month, I remembered that about you. Someday, maybe I’ll tell you where I was and what I was doing when I remembered, but I think I’d rather just forget about it. But let me simply say that I woke up in the blackest, darkest hole of my life. 

Then I remembered!

YOU!

Dad, I came back to be your servant. I came back to sweep the dung out of your stables. I came back to clean the hen house on my hands and knees. I came back to… 

YOU!!

NEVER in my wildest thoughts did I think I would come back and be your son!! I fully expected to grovel. I fully expected to spend the rest of my days trying to pay penance for the way I hurt you. But you… You!!!  Dad, You put the family robe around my shoulders. You embraced me!! You put your ring on my finger. You brought out the finest wine, and Oh! Wow!! This steak…!!!

Dad, (by the way, it feels strange to call you ‘Dad’)…  Let me take this moment to ask you, from the depth my heart, with all the gratitude I can manage; “Teach me. This morning, Dad, search my heart; test me and show me my hurtful ways. Daddy, I want to spend the rest my life letting you teach me how to be your son.”

THAT is the war between guilt and GRACE. The battle in my life between guilt and GRACE is fought at the gateway to the homestead. Because of my guilt, I hesitate to respond when He calls. The Father beckons me forward. I hesitate. The Father says: “Come, my son, all is ready. For you. I’ve been waiting. For you. Too often, I’ve turned away. In shame.  “I’ve been watching every day. For you. But… I’ve done all can can do. For you. Unless you come home. The Choice is yours. I chose you, but I cannot make that choice FOR you.”

BECAUSE OF MY GRACE, THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN FOR YOU, MY SON! COME HOME!!

RELATED POSTS

Broken ‘n Unworthy

HIS PRESENCE! – HOW?

I KEPT COMING BACK

But What about my sin?

My Judge? or “Father”!

https://itreallyisjustthatsimple.com/50shadesofgrace

Monday Morng Musings II

It was an amazing day when I discovered I could trust God beyond my capacity to understand Him. 

My ego says: “God, I need to understand You before I trust You.”
Truth says: “Because He’s God, He’s beyond my understanding.”
Faith says: “I can have a relationship with Him that is Beyond my Understanding.That allows me trust Him more.
GOD says: “Jim, if U understood, U would not need to trust.”

Rick Warren tweet – Nov 9, 2013:  “If God was small enough for me to completely understand him, he wouldn’t be big enough for me to completely trust Him.”

It was about 8 years ago when I wrote in my journal; “God, I’m beginning to realize that I don’t trust U in the way I know U want me to.”

Please teach me to TRUST YOU MORE!”   

I had NO IDEA what I was praying for. My life turned upside down and inside out in ways I did not know was possible.

Today, I still have to say: “God, I’m beginning to realize that I don’t trust U in the way I know U want me to.”

“Please teach me to TRUST YOU MORE!”   

The thing is, today I better understand the “danger” of that prayer – kinda like praying for patience, there might be only one way to learn it!

T.B.T.#11

ThrowBackThursday #11

My wife’n I just celebrated our 49th anniversary. I brought her these flowers and a card. Silly, romantic fool that I am, I spent an extra $3 for another Rose ’cause ’13’ has ALWAYS been our special number!! 

 
And that’s all I / we did. This was the most laid back anniversary we’ve had in 49 years. Except for the first two when I was in Japan, Okinawa, Vietnam, and she was living with my parents in Antioch, California. We usually manage to get away for at least two or three days. This year we didn’t and that was OK. Oh – we did go to breakfast the next morning. Next year is 50! So we’re making plans…

Part of the reason it was quieter this year is because I spent the day with my Teen Challenge boys at New Life Church.

At the end of the day, as I left to go home I was remarking to a couple of the guys that I’d be making a stop on the way to buy her some flowers. I said: 

Imagine with me for a moment how I would feel if, when walking through the door with the flowers, I get this response from her:”

“Sweetheart, that was so nice of you to do that for me, but I’m afraid I just can’t accept your gift. BECAUSE I’M NOT WORTHY OF IT!” I haven’t done enough for you. There are too many things in my past I still need to make up for. I still have to get you to Forgive me before I can accept the flowers. Honey, you know that I keep trying to be a better wife for you, but I’m just not sure how I can ever be deserving. Please tell me how I need to change!”

As I spoke the words, I realized how crushed I would feel to get that response from her. I was reminded of this post. How many times in my past have I wanted to come before the LORD, but because of my past, because of my sin, because of my failure, because I felt unworthy, because I thought I needed forgiveness FIRST, I turned away? 

If I, as a husband would be crushed to have my offer of Love rejected, do we not grieve the heart of God by rejecting His Love?

I wrote this on my blog 2 years ago last week. Please follow this link and let its words pierce your heart as it did mine (again) this morning…

https://itreallyisjustthatsimple.com/2013/10/20/know-gods-love/

My Side of the Fence

I was yakking with my friend Jon yesterday afternoon. During our conversation I used a phrase that’s been on my mind lately. Then I remarked: “That sounds like the title to a blogpost! I better write it down before it slips my mind. Well, we continued talking and I didn’t, then last night couldn’t recall what I had said.

Funny, in our conversation, we’d mentioned that both our memories aren’t what they used to be. I like to blame mine on age. lol

Anyway, this morning, it came back to me!!! Yay!! …but I digress. Q – can U get sidetracked before U’re even on track? So, anyway… Moving on….

At Celebrate Recovery, we learned that we are only responsible for cleaning up OUR side of the street. If I hurt someone and need to make amends, I am only responsible for my apology, not for their reaction to that apology. (unless I make it worse by the words or attitude I use) I can choose to make “Living Amends,” which means I learn from their hurt and choose to treat them differently  because of it.

Likewise, If I am hurt by someone, I am only responsible for my reaction. I can choose to forgive their action without any evidence of change on their part. Part of my responsibility may include establishing boundaries to protect myself in the relationship. Learning to set boundaries means I need to understand what is on my side of the street (fence) and what is not.

In so many ways, this has made my life easier. I am powerless to control other people. At the beginning of this understanding, it felt incredibly selfish. “I am only responsible for ME?”?!?!? That was so contrary to how I had always lived.

Hi, my name is Jim. I’m a grateful believer in Jesus, but I struggle with co-dependency and compulsive people-pleasing.” 

The C.R. small-group 3rd guideline states: We are here to support one another, not FIX another!” I’m learning the difference between support and fixing. Between influence and control. Between talking and listening. (OK,  I’m still working on that one) I’m learning that I have Influence over other people, but I can lose that influence in direct proportion to the amount of Control I exert.

This understanding is revolutionizing my relationships. With other people. With myself. Even with God! When I first heard the 3rd small-group guideline, my reaction was: Really? REALLY?!? D’ya mean it’s not my God-Given Responsibilty to FIX Problems I see in the lives of Others?” 

Gradually, I’m coming to realize how much I was playing God in the lives of Others.  I’ve seen how much I was focused on what I perceived to be the failures of Others instead of their Value. This new understanding is leading me to be more accepting of where and who they are instead of what and who I suppose they should be, do, say and think. As I release CONTROL, I’m recognizing that I’m having a greater INFLUENCE.

In the words of that great Mayberry philosopher Gomer Pyle, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!!

Wow! This is NOT where I thought this was going to go when I started this post. Where’d all THAT come from?!? What I had in mind is perhaps a major result of this process. Perhaps I needed to say all that in order to better understand this:

THIS thought is what has been percolating in this cyclonic mind of mine the past few days –

FROM GOD’s SIDE OF THE FENCE, EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE

ALL THE CHANGES NEEDED IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM ARE ON MY SIDE OF THE FENCE!

Now comes the Surprise,Surprise,Surprise; 

Just as the veil in the temple was ripped in half from top to bottom when Jesus said from the Cross, It is Finished,” John 13:30

THE FENCE HAS BEEN TORN DOWN!! 

Jesus IS NOT peeking over the fence like a nosy neighbor prying into Ur business.  

He’s pitched a tent in Ur back yard. He’s sitting in Ur living room. He’s sleeping in Ur spare bedroom. He’s sitting in a chair at Ur dinner table. 

But He’s the most gentle and respectful house guest U’ve ever had. He only goes where he’s invited. 

It’s up to YOU! He longs to be more than a guest. He wants to be FAMILY!!

P.S… U don’t have to clean house, U don’t have to make the bed, wash the windows, scrub the floor, do the dishes, paint the walls, clear out the sheds, trim the hedge before U let Him in. 

For most of my life, I did not understand that He could/would live in a broken heart. Then one dark(est) day, Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! He began to heal me from the inside out. 

He continues to surprise me. 

A MATTER of the HEART!

As I’ve said before, the problem is not the guns in the hands, but the “stuff” in the hearts. 

Matthew 12:34 states: 

For from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks!” (or the hand strikes) parenthesis mine

We’ve all been SO devastated by this latest school shooting in Oregon. It just keeps happening! But it’s good for us to express our sorrow and grief, and yes, even anger and frustration at what seems to be an ever-increasing level of violence.  

There is healing to be found in sharing. We must also have compassion on those involved and their families. My daughter just informed me that over 3/4 MILLION dollars has been go-funded for Chris, the vet that ran TO the danger and as a result was shot 7Xs. I choose to think this generosity is a more accurate reflection of the heart of our nation than the acts reported over and over and over in the news. 

We state our position on either side of the discussion as to what the solution might be, with neither side having much of an affect on the opinions of the other. And yet, we still discuss. Fortunately, I think (and hope) arguing about such things is in my past. If not, I apologize. (But not for being right…) lol

Allow me to take a slightly different slant this morning. 

I am absolutely certain that I will NEVER walk into a church or school, playground or grocery store and commit such a horrible act of violence.

But I’ll wager dollars to donuts that I’ll yell at the guy who cuts me off when I’m driving my family to church this morning. (Oh, wait, my WW drives on Sunday morning…) well, U get my point! 

How many of us go thru life using our mouths and attitudes in ways that damage others? The old “…but words will never hurt me” is as much a lie today as it was when we were in the 4th grade. If we use our middle finger instead of our trigger finger, and we strike with words instead of bullets, if we wound the spirit of a child with our harshness instead of killing the bodies of innocents, is there an ultimate difference? Yes, o’course there is! BUT – also, alas, NO!

Today I need to take time to evaluate my heart. I need to examine my thoughts, listen to my words, both spoken and not, to “see if there be some wicked way in me“! Am I “nice” because society has placed a sign in front of me that says “No ____ allowed” all the while hiding the ugliness inside me?

Am I that much different than the gunman because the wounds I cause are hidden inside my victims and don’t bring blood?? Yes, o’course, BUT… Also, alas, NO

I think there’s a lesson for us all!  Psalms 139:23,24 comes to mind;

 
The ultimate healing of our nation, our college campuses, our families and cities lie not in more laws and the proper enforcement of them, but in the changing of our hearts.

The more I discuss this with friends and on FaceBook, the more I’m realizing the only really helpful response I can have is to examine myself, my heart, my own ways, and change accordingly. 

I’ve been challenged by the Q posed by the shooter and the now popular – #IamAChristian! If faced with the same threat, would I declare the truth? I know in the past, I have not always done so, even when faced with much less a consequence than being shot in the head. 

For too long my Christianity was measured by my ability to refrain from that which I declared was wrong. As a result, I became the judge of others. In that judgement, I lost my ability to love. 

Then I became friends with someone who helped me face some issues in my life over which I had lost control. (U know who UR!) A man whose political and social beliefs were as different from mine as night and day. The more we talked, the more I came to respect his Christianity. 

I’ve been forced to examine and redefine my Christianity. It’s no longer as much a product of my behavior that makes me one, but a relationship with – as AA says, “My Higher Power” whom I call Jesus, The Son of the Living God

     That relationship keeps affecting my behavior in ways I do not expect. 

Do U not believe as I do? Let’s talk it over. I’m finding we are more alike than we are different. Let’s focus on that. And stay together. And treat each other with respect! And Love! 

P.S.  Psalms 139 is an amazing chapter! U can read it HERE

T.B.T. #10

THROW.BACK.THURSDAY. #10

2 years’n a week ago I made my first post on this blog. As I’ve read and re-read it this week, I continue to be amazed at what God can do.

One of the treasures I find in this writer thingy I’ve been doing is the ability it gives me to remember. (The older I get, the more important it… but I digress…)

It’s been almost 7 years since my “Heart Attack.” It wasn’t a 911 occasion, but it changed me. U can read about that here.

The process continues. Usually in spite of me, although the path has fewer twists, turns, ups and downs.

For that I am grateful.

Here’s that first post:

https://itreallyisjustthatsimple.com/2013/07/22/it-really-is-just-that-simple/