Category Archives: FORGIVENESS

T.B.T.#11

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ThrowBackThursday #11

My wife’n I just celebrated our 49th anniversary. I brought her these flowers and a card. Silly, romantic fool that I am, I spent an extra $3 for another Rose ’cause ’13’ has ALWAYS been our special number!! 

 
And that’s all I / we did. This was the most laid back anniversary we’ve had in 49 years. Except for the first two when I was in Japan, Okinawa, Vietnam, and she was living with my parents in Antioch, California. We usually manage to get away for at least two or three days. This year we didn’t and that was OK. Oh – we did go to breakfast the next morning. Next year is 50! So we’re making plans…

Part of the reason it was quieter this year is because I spent the day with my Teen Challenge boys at New Life Church.

At the end of the day, as I left to go home I was remarking to a couple of the guys that I’d be making a stop on the way to buy her some flowers. I said: 

“Imagine with me for a moment how I would feel if, when walking through the door with the flowers, I get this response from her:”

“Sweetheart, that was so nice of you to do that for me, but I’m afraid I just can’t accept your gift. BECAUSE I’M NOT WORTHY OF IT!” I haven’t done enough for you. There are too many things in my past I still need to make up for. I still have to get you to Forgive me before I can accept the flowers. Honey, you know that I keep trying to be a better wife for you, but I’m just not sure how I can ever be deserving. Please tell me how I need to change!”

As I spoke the words, I realized how crushed I would feel to get that response from her. I was reminded of this post. How many times in my past have I wanted to come before the LORD, but because of my past, because of my sin, because of my failure, because I felt unworthy, because I thought I needed forgiveness FIRST, I turned away? 

If I, as a husband would be crushed to have my offer of Love rejected, do we not grieve the heart of God by rejecting His Love?

I wrote this on my blog 2 years ago last week. Please follow this link and let its words pierce your heart as it did mine (again) this morning…

https://itreallyisjustthatsimple.com/2013/10/20/know-gods-love/

My Side of the Fence

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I was yakking with my friend Jon yesterday afternoon. During our conversation I used a phrase that’s been on my mind lately. Then I remarked: “That sounds like the title to a blogpost! I better write it down before it slips my mind.“ Well, we continued talking and I didn’t, then last night couldn’t recall what I had said.

Funny, in our conversation, we’d mentioned that both our memories aren’t what they used to be. I like to blame mine on age. lol

Anyway, this morning, it came back to me!!! Yay!! …but I digress. Q – can U get sidetracked before U’re even on track? So, anyway… Moving on….

At Celebrate Recovery, we learned that we are only responsible for cleaning up OUR side of the street. If I hurt someone and need to make amends, I am only responsible for my apology, not for their reaction to that apology. (unless I make it worse by the words or attitude I use) I can choose to make “Living Amends,” which means I learn from their hurt and choose to treat them differently  because of it.

Likewise, If I am hurt by someone, I am only responsible for my reaction. I can choose to forgive their action without any evidence of change on their part. Part of my responsibility may include establishing boundaries to protect myself in the relationship. Learning to set boundaries means I need to understand what is on my side of the street (fence) and what is not.

In so many ways, this has made my life easier. I am powerless to control other people. At the beginning of this understanding, it felt incredibly selfish. “I am only responsible for ME?”?!?!? That was so contrary to how I had always lived.

“Hi, my name is Jim. I’m a grateful believer in Jesus, but I struggle with co-dependency and compulsive people-pleasing.” 

The C.R. small-group 3rd guideline states: “We are here to support one another, not FIX another!” I’m learning the difference between support and fixing. Between influence and control. Between talking and listening. (OK,  I’m still working on that one) I’m learning that I have Influence over other people, but I can lose that influence in direct proportion to the amount of Control I exert.

This understanding is revolutionizing my relationships. With other people. With myself. Even with God! When I first heard the 3rd small-group guideline, my reaction was: “Really? REALLY?!? D’ya mean it’s not my God-Given Responsibilty to FIX Problems I see in the lives of Others?” 

Gradually, I’m coming to realize how much I was playing God in the lives of Others.  I’ve seen how much I was focused on what I perceived to be the failures of Others instead of their Value. This new understanding is leading me to be more accepting of where and who they are instead of what and who I suppose they should be, do, say and think. As I release CONTROL, I’m recognizing that I’m having a greater INFLUENCE.

In the words of that great Mayberry philosopher Gomer Pyle, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!!!

Wow! This is NOT where I thought this was going to go when I started this post. Where’d all THAT come from?!? What I had in mind is perhaps a major result of this process. Perhaps I needed to say all that in order to better understand this:

THIS thought is what has been percolating in this cyclonic mind of mine the past few days –

FROM GOD’s SIDE OF THE FENCE, EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE! 

ALL THE CHANGES NEEDED IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM ARE ON MY SIDE OF THE FENCE!

Now comes the Surprise,Surprise,Surprise; 

Just as the veil in the temple was ripped in half from top to bottom when Jesus said from the Cross, “It is Finished,” John 13:30

THE FENCE HAS BEEN TORN DOWN!! 

Jesus IS NOT peeking over the fence like a nosy neighbor prying into Ur business.  

He’s pitched a tent in Ur back yard. He’s sitting in Ur living room. He’s sleeping in Ur spare bedroom. He’s sitting in a chair at Ur dinner table. 

But He’s the most gentle and respectful house guest U’ve ever had. He only goes where he’s invited. 

It’s up to YOU! He longs to be more than a guest. He wants to be FAMILY!!

P.S… U don’t have to clean house, U don’t have to make the bed, wash the windows, scrub the floor, do the dishes, paint the walls, clear out the sheds, trim the hedge before U let Him in. 

For most of my life, I did not understand that He could/would live in a broken heart. Then one dark(est) day, Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! He began to heal me from the inside out. 

He continues to surprise me. 

SURRENDER!!…?

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I grew up singing: “I surrender, I surrender all!”  We were encouraged to completely commit the rest of our lives to Him – NOW! Today!!

That may have been just my perception, but that’s what I kept trying to do.

Tried, couldn’t do it.  Wanted to. Kept falling down. Didn’t know what to do with my failure. Wanted to quit trying. Did…, for awhile.

Now I know. Now I (am beginning to) understand – Better!

PROCESS!!
BABY STEPS!!

God takes what we can give to Him TODAY and waits patiently until tomorrow becomes today and we get to do it again. And… again, the next day! And…

In the meantime, He asks us to just take a walk.

With Him. With His Son. Jesus. His Holy Spirit goes too.

  • “Pay attention, son. I have something important to tell you.“

“There is now therefore NO CONDEMNATION, (Anger, Impatience, Rejection) toward us – from Him.”

T.B.T. #10

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THROW.BACK.THURSDAY. #10

2 years’n a week ago I made my first post on this blog. As I’ve read and re-read it this week, I continue to be amazed at what God can do.

One of the treasures I find in this writer thingy I’ve been doing is the ability it gives me to remember. (The older I get, the more important it… but I digress…)

It’s been almost 7 years since my “Heart Attack.” It wasn’t a 911 occasion, but it changed me. U can read about that here.

The process continues. Usually in spite of me, although the path has fewer twists, turns, ups and downs.

For that I am grateful.

Here’s that first post:

https://itreallyisjustthatsimple.com/2013/07/22/it-really-is-just-that-simple/

SOBRIETY – Event? or Process?

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One of the Greatest Bondages you will ever be in is that of pretending to be something or somebody that you are not

I spent 50 years like that

Freedom from that bondage is a Journey, a Process of discovering who you really are and learning to live that person’s life

I took my last drink 40 months ago today. But the Process of Sobriety will continue for as long as I have feet on this planet

She Isn’t Cured, But She’s Been Healed!

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Last week, she signed up to follow my blog. (Tribe member #55 for me) I became #900 for her!! I’m so jealous!! lol

Today she was used by God to help me better understand something He’s been teaching me for 6 years!! 

Check it out: 

https://workthedream.wordpress.com/2015/03/13/healing-and-curing

But! What about the Thorns? 

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In March of 1966, I was almost 21. I had just finished my stint at Diablo Valley College, and Vietnam was raging. Facing the draft, and not wanting to “Be all I could Be” in the Army, I had joined the Air Force. My day to leave for boot camp was approaching at jet speed.

Nelda’n I had been dating for a little over 2 years. This particular day started as one of those ordinary, “just-waiting-for-the-future-to-happen” days that turned into a momentous, “my-life-will-NEVER-be-the-same-again” kind-a day.

I was on my way to Uncle Bill’s house. He was Nelda’s REAL Uncle, but EVERYBODY in his life called him “Uncle Bill.” People(even adults) at church, kids at school, (he was everybody’s favorite bus driver) all my brothers and sisters, and I think even my parents called him that. It was just #WhoHeWas! I’m not sure it wasn’t written on his birth certificate!

UncleBill'nSonya

But I digress… As I was coming down their narrow one-way street (Nelda was at their house) a boy riding a bike darted out from a garage that backed up to the curb. I hit him and broke his leg.

I called the AF recruiter and they grounded my jet plane until any legal ramifications got settled.

Long Story Short, my new enlistment day was May 19th. 5 things happened in those next rapidly-gone 30 days.

• The mother of the boy said: “I’ve told him a million times not to do that…” So – no legal issues.

• Nelda’n I saw each other EVERY DAY!

• She told me she Loved me!!!

• We got engaged!!

• Every day, for 30 days, I took her a (stolen) rose. Spring was in the air (and in my heart) so I would stop at her neighbors’ yards on the way to her house and “steal” a rose.

IMG_7711

Before I knocked on her door, though, I would pick and twist off every thorn on the stem of the rose. Why? Because I’m a romantic fool, I guess – but perhaps as a subtle promise to keep her life thorn-free forever.

Fast Forward – 30 days flew by, Oakland,Ca swearing in, 4 week boot camp, 5 month tech school, too-quick one-week Mom’nDad’nNelda visit to Texas in August, graduation, home on leave, married, “play house” for 30 days, stationed to Japan for 2 years. Nelda moved in with Mom’nDad and we all lived happily ever after. End of fairy tale.

It took another 45 years for me to understand the significance of the “THORNLESS ROSES!”

Super-Fast-Forward– Texas in August, 2013. Nelda’n I had driven to Oklahoma for her 50th high school reunion. As we left her brother’s home, headed for California, we (spelled *I*) was having a thorny morning. After about a hundred miles of silence, I realized I didn’t want to be like that for the next 1550 miles. So we (again-spelled *I*) started talking. I’ve written about that day at least once before – HERE. 

One of the reasons WE LOVE ROAD TRIPS is because we’re locked together in the car, so we have to / GET TO talk!

We drove another 400+/- miles that day. We talked about things (thorny things) that we’d needed to discuss 40 years before. We talked about Love and Respect, Fears and Intimacy, secrets and dreams It was another one of those “just-waiting-for-the-future-to-happen” days that turned into a momentous, “our-life-will-NEVER-be-the-same-again” kinda-day.

It’s one thing to pick the thorns off a rose stem, or protect Ur loved ones from the thorns in their lives for a day or two. (or 30) But

THE ROSE GARDEN OF LIFE IS FULL OF THORNS!
If U don’t learn to deal with the thorns,
the beauty of the roses fades and disappears.
YOU CAN’T HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER 

The rest of the trip was warm, friendly and more intimate. We’re learning to talk about the thorns when life gets prickley. The sooner the better. Our ROSES are more beautiful that way. 

It’s not possible to twist the thorns off the stems in Ur life, throw them out the window and go merrily on Ur way. The wind blows them back in the rear window and they stick U in the butt at the most inopportune moments. 

Lest I paint a Rose-tinted picture of our journey from that Texas highway to where we are now, let me assure U – it’s not all been rose gardens and tea parties. Some of the thorns had been set deep. A few had festered and the infection needed outside treatment. (mainly in me)  But our relationship, our marriage, our family, the LIFE we have now is well worth every sting. 

In fact, some of the scars from the past few months are “hanging on our walls” as trophies. 

The BEST way to a full life is to embrace it, THORNS’n ALL

Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.
—James 1:2–3 amp

 

 

T.B.T. #7

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One of the greatest lies Christians believe is that we have to add to the work of Christ.

In the past, every time that I wanted (needed) to spend time in the Presence of God  I worked harder so he would not turn me away

I knew the presence of God. But it was a place I visited. I longed to dwell there but I never felt like I was good enough long enough to remain.

The final three words that Jesus spoke at the cross was “IT.IS.FINISHED!”

When the Truth of that sentence took the longest journey and moved from my head to my heart and then into my life it changed me! it changed my relationship with God

This link was originally posted on my blog on February 19, 2014. But I wrote it 20+ years ago. I finally learned the truth of it in the deepest part of my being at the absolute blackest, darkest time of my life. I’ve not been the same since.

Please read this post from a year ago and let it invade your heart as it has mine

IT.IS.FINISHED!!!

 

At the end of the day… It’s just Me’nGod

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 At the end of the day… It’s just Me’nGod
and I’m standing (naked) in the middle of the bridge
On my journey of Recovery

The other day while working and sharing with a young man I made this statement

Ralph Sponge
“Ralph” – Oakland Teen Challenge

“At some point in your recovery it will be just U’n God“

It won’t be U’n your wife. It will no longer be U’n and your counselor. It won’t be U’n Ur small group. It won’t be U’n Ur sponsor. It won’t be U, asking God about today’s problem. It will not be U, seeking a better, easier, more productive life. It will be U!, standing stark naked in the middle of the bridge making the journey from There to Here.

And you will be in exactly the place He wants you.

Until you have stood in the presence of God knowing that you are totally unworthy to be there. And you understand beyond any shadow of a doubt that HE loves you anyway.

You’ve never known the Love of God in the way HE wants you to.

That moment will forever change you.

I’m not talking about the place of isolation to which we as The Brokens tend to go. I’m talking about coming to an end of yourself. We ARE NOT designed by our creator to travel our journey alone. I’m not suggesting we do so. But at the end of the day, at some point of the healing, it WILL BE just – U’nGod.

It was the place King David stood when he penned the 139th Psalm:

“Search me, Oh God… And know my heart!“

Or, in the words of the old southern spiritual –

“‘Tis not my brother, nor my sister, but it’s ME, Oh Lord
standing (naked) in the need of …”

Life changes at that place. Relationships change at that place. *I* changed in that place. Priorities change in that place. How U see God will change in that place.

Lex, my 11 year old grandson just asked me what “stark” means. I’m sure glad he didn’t ask what “naked” means – lol  – So I looked it up. Actually, I asked “Siri”, on my iPhone. She said –

“Devoid of any qualifications or disguise or adornments”

“Stark” naked – before The Lord. That sounds Scary!
Sounds Scary, but in actuality, it’s the best place to be this side of Heaven

Have U been there?
Did He invite U to come and U covered up? Like Adam? Like Eve?
RU afraid to go there?

I am too, EVERY TIME! 

But He keeps asking. 

He keeps inviting. Me. 

He keeps Loving. Me 

He keeps healing. Me 

In that place

AMMESTY / GRACE

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I WAS DOING IT!!!
It was going so well.
Until yesterday
Then I blew it
[:<{
#NowWhat?

Let’s see – What are my choices?

1) “Oh Well, I didn’t really think I’d make it to the end, anyway”
2) “OhNo! I blew it. I feel so stupid!! Why did I even try!”
3) “Boy, I’m glad I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it. Now I can just go on like nothing happened. I hope nobody finds out. Oh, wait – my wife knows, so I can’t just cover it up – but she loves me, so it doesn’t really matter”
4) “Well, I guess I learned something, I’ll just have to try harder next time”
5) “My brother’n his wife came to town and we had lunch with them so I ran out of time. No wonder I didn’t get a chance to make a post!!
6) “Awh, it’s not that big-a-deal, who cares”
7) “I should have committed myself to just 7 days. Or 14. Hey, I did make it to 14, I’ll just tell everybody that was the plan all along”

OKI!! OK!! I HEAR YOU… WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO BAD???!?

If U’ve been reading my last few posts, U might have noticed the “#15/21 day challenge” at the bottom of the page. Some 3 weeks ago, pastor Doug of New Life Church in Alamo, Ca challenged us to a fast. It was our choice to do a 7 day, 14 day, or 21 day challenge. We could also choose what to fast – either a meal per day, a certain type of food, or a digital fast of some sort. iPhone, iPad, Facebook, Twitter. After about a week of thought I decided to challenge myself to post on my blog for 21 days in a row.

I was doing great! UNTIL YESTERDAY!! I MISSED THE DAY!! yeah, yeah –  I hear you – you’re saying:

“Oh is that all?”

 SO – NOW WHAT??? Excuses?? Blaming?? Lower the expectations?? Try again? Harder?? Just give up?? Start over again – from the beginning?? I think there’s something deeper, more important, crucial even, that I need to see in this.

It was discovered recently that some of the students in a classroom were doing things that they shouldn’t be. It was discovered when one of them was caught.

His response was “But what about the others?” And he began to name names.

So the announcement was made to the class. “If you confess you will be offered AMNESTY.” Some came forward – some did not. Those who did received GRACE. Those who did not were or will be disciplined.

So Now – the important Q! The main point of this post –

WHAT DOES MY CONFESSION HAVE TO DO WITH GOD’S GRACE??

 1) GRACE is a gift. It cannot be earned, but it must be accepted, each time
2) CONFESSION of my faults is primarily for MY benefit, not God’s
3) CONSEQUENCES for my actions are intended to discipline me, not to punish me
4) CONFESSION changes the consequences into a lesson
5) CONFESSION clears the record and allows the training to move forward to the next step
6) (RIGOROUS) HONESTY really IS the best policy!!
7) If I had not missed a day, I would not know this part of GRACE

OK, I missed a day. I confess. No excuses, no explanations, no blaming. I’ll just start again – from where I failed, not from the beginning. I won’t try harder, I’ll just take the next step.

When I post this, I will place “#16/21 day challenge” at the bottom of the page
AND BE THANKFUL FOR HIS GRACE.
IT REALLY IS AMAZING

#16/21 day challenge